I'm done losing my mind. This is in no small part because I stopped taking the psychiatric medication that was making me lose my mind.

The urge to implode my life, to pack up and flee, is becoming less pronounced. I have allowed myself an extended mental health crisis. Now the maintenence must continue.

It's somewhat embarassing to admit that a lot of what I've been writing was simply an expression of a bad chemical cocktail. Granted, a lot of it is still true. Things aren't great. In some areas things are activley very bad. But I feel better.

I did not go to work today. I just woke up. I haven’t eaten since yesterday but I’m not hungry. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have, in the past, had episodes. Extended periods where nothing interacts with my brain right. But this feels different. It feels like I’m 100,000 miles past an oil change and the engine is seizing.

I am failing. I am no longer someone I can rely on. I can’t push past it, I can’t make myself take care of me. Am I just going to keep unravelling? What happens when there’s nothing left to unravel?

I’m scared. Something has to change.

Everything is wrong. Nothing fits correctly. My apartment is a rotten nest. There are almonds on my floor that I spilled weeks ago. I’m losing control. I’m losing control. Beautiful at the end of the world but the world is still ending.

I want to burn myself up. I want to reduce my life to ashes and make something new in its place. I want to be reinvented. I want to be repaired. I want someone to see. I want it to matter.

I’ve never been this tired before.

There is a downward force crushing me always. Every day I feel heavier. Every day gets a little harder. I’m not sleeping. I’m not cleaning. My emotions spin and cascade into each other in my head like a particle accelerator. I feel unstable. I think I’m going crazy.

Every single shred of effort that it is within my power to expend is used up on keeping it together. How am I supposed to heal when I can not ever rest?

I need a break. I’m scared that one isn’t coming.

I am doing better.

There is so much further to go. I hope I can fix me in time.