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Loomis • 2:12 AM
Care

When you’re dying in Austin, Texas
It feels like the world needs a shower
Everything hot and sticky and stinking

When you’re dying in Austin, Texas
You can look out your dirty window and see a taco shop
You’ve been there before. Back when you weren’t dying
You liked it
You probably won’t ever go back

When you’re dying in Austin, Texas
All your clothes get dirty
The city gets bigger when you’re dying
The distance between you and a washing machine
Is greater by the day
You have to die in dirty clothes

Rest

When you’re dying in Austin, Texas
You can drink a beer
It can be Lone Star
People will find you with the cans and you will smell like Texas

When you’re dying in Austin, Texas
Your apartment fills up with garbage
Every surface is claimed by cans and bags and crusts and bottles
Your apartment can be like a pharaoh's tomb
People will unseal it and look inside and see all your toys and games and trash
And feel like they understood what was important enough to bring with you when you left

When you’re dying in Austin, Texas
You start to think about the other people that die here
You wonder how many people got to die where they wanted
You wonder if you want to die here

When you die in Austin, Texas
You die in real life

Vanity
Loomis • 10:53 AM
I'm done losing my mind. This is in no small part because I stopped taking the psychiatric medication that was making me lose my mind.
The urge to implode my life, to pack up and flee, is becoming less pronounced. I have allowed myself an extended mental health crisis. Now the maintenence must continue.
It's somewhat embarassing to admit that a lot of what I've been writing was simply an expression of a bad chemical cocktail. Granted, a lot of it is still true. Things aren't great. In some areas things are activley very bad. But I feel better.
Loomis • 8:28 PM
I did not go to work today. I just woke up. I haven’t eaten since yesterday but I’m not hungry. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have, in the past, had episodes. Extended periods where nothing interacts with my brain right. But this feels different. It feels like I’m 100,000 miles past an oil change and the engine is seizing.
I am failing. I am no longer someone I can rely on. I can’t push past it, I can’t make myself take care of me. Am I just going to keep unravelling? What happens when there’s nothing left to unravel?
I’m scared. Something has to change.
Loomis • 2:13 AM
Everything is wrong. Nothing fits correctly. My apartment is a rotten nest. There are almonds on my floor that I spilled weeks ago. I’m losing control. I’m losing control. Beautiful at the end of the world but the world is still ending.
I want to burn myself up. I want to reduce my life to ashes and make something new in its place. I want to be reinvented. I want to be repaired. I want someone to see. I want it to matter.
Loomis • 5:31 PM
I’ve never been this tired before.
There is a downward force crushing me always. Every day I feel heavier. Every day gets a little harder. I’m not sleeping. I’m not cleaning. My emotions spin and cascade into each other in my head like a particle accelerator. I feel unstable. I think I’m going crazy.
Every single shred of effort that it is within my power to expend is used up on keeping it together. How am I supposed to heal when I can not ever rest?
I need a break. I’m scared that one isn’t coming.
Loomis • 8:14 PM
I am doing better.
There is so much further to go. I hope I can fix me in time.